Driving Lessons
by hapi3rachel
Summary: One-shot! What ensues after a driving lesson with Mustang and Ed? Complete and utter chaos.


**Hello! Can I start by saying I got the idea from a weird dream? I mean, it wasn't even about Ed driving a car. But we were writing a bunch of Fullmetal Alchemist prompts, and one of them was Mustang giving Ed driving lessons. I just glanced at it in my dream and when I woke up at an unprecedented 5:30, I decided I needed to write it down.**

**Warning: Reading this will most likely make you laugh, and if it doesn't than I would appreciate feedback so that I can see what I'm doing wrong. I'm not really a comedic person, but I hope this brightens your day up a little! (Bows) It would be my pleasure.**

**I don't own Fullmetal Alchemist, unfortunately, or any of the characters in this one-shot.**

It all started with a casual day back in Colonel Mustang's office.

Colonel sighed and straightened up in his desk. "Looks like Fullmetal's giving me my share of paperwork again."

Feury grinned. "Never a dull day," he responded cheerfully, working on his radio. "He's coming later today, right? To report back in?"

Colonel sighed again dramatically, but everyone knew that when Ed came in life was just a little livelier. "I don't understand how this kid can be all over the place."

Lieutenant Hawkeye smiled. "Well, I think it's about time Edward paid us a visit." She looked down at the gun she busily cleaned out. "Do you know if they found any leads on their bodies?"

"Not from what I can tell," Mustang answered, although there was hidden meaning laced in his words. They knew they couldn't use a Philosopher's Stone in order to achieve their goals, and so they had gone off to their teacher's place in search of answers. And then there was the Lieutenant Ross incident. Not to mention Mustang slightly kidnapping Ed. And now there were a lot of unanswered questions that led to military corruption and homunculi.

Lieutenant nodded and went back to polishing her gun. "How old are they?"

"Ed's 16 right now-"

Breda picked up his head and laughed. "No kidding? Whoa, whoa, whoa, wait. Isn't he old enough to start learning how to drive a car?"

Mustang fell out of his seat at that statement. "Ed? Driving a car?"

Hawkeye had an amused look on her face as she craned her neck over the desk to get a good view of Mustang. "Well, who's going to teach him to drive a car? He needs to learn sometime."

Mustang got back up and shook his head. "Well, I'm not doing it! One of you guys can go out and teach him. He already terrorizes enough people, he doesn't need to be doing it on the streets too." He rubbed the back of his head and muttered under his breath, "I would never be able to sleep safely at night knowing that Ed was on the streets."

Breda piped up, "Well you are his superior officer, and you are obviously concerned about him doing a good job. I think you would be perfect for teaching him how to drive!" He gave Mustang a sweet smile.

Kain nodded. "Besides, you're the person he knows the best. You could be a great teacher."

Hawkeye looked amused but simply nodded. "You are pretty much his closest father figure."

Mustang held his hands out. "There is no way I am teaching that demon how to drive! Fullmetal can-"

Breda, Fuery and Falman busied themselves with betting on who was going to get out alive. "I've never seen Colonel drive, I'm maybe betting he'll get killed by his reckless driving." "No way, have you seen Fullmetal? On the streets he would _definitely _kill the Colonel, no doubts about it." "Ha ha ha, and who would bet that both of them come out living? Yeah, my bet is on Fullmetal killing the Colonel."

The Colonel sunk into a depressive state. He looked up at Hawkeye. "There's no way I can teach him how to drive."

Hawkeye shrugged and shot him a look. "I think this could be good for both of you, just as long as you don't kill anybody."

And at that moment Ed just happened to walk into the room. "Is the Colonel Bastard here?" The metallic footsteps of Al could be heard as he stuck his head into the room. Ed walked into the room, and everybody started laughing. Falman turned over to Breda. "I change my mind, Fullmetal is definitely going to kill the Colonel."

Colonel ignored his associates. "Hey, Alphonse… do you think I could talk to Ed alone?"

"Sure!" Al piped up, practically shoving Ed inside before sitting outside. Colonel really hoped he couldn't hear.

Ed crossed his arms and leaned against a couch. "I have my report ready," he said, handing over some paperwork to the Colonel.

The Colonel, still unenthusiastic due to the task at hand, glanced at the paper. "It looks good."

Ed's eyebrows furrowed. "It looks good? That's it? Are you even going to read it? Maybe you're older than I thought and you should take some time off." Mustang really wanted to wipe the smug look off of his face, and decided the best way to do that was to offer him driving lessons.

"Hey, Fullmetal. You don't know how to drive yet, do you?"  
***

Ed sighed as he watched Colonel's car pull in from the window. Oh no, this was it. He sucked in a deep breath. "Hey, Al. I'm going out for a walk, is that alright?"

Al tilted his head at Ed and nodded. "Um, sure! When do you think you'll be coming back?"

Ed bit his lip. "Just a little while later, I forgot to write something in my report and Colonel won't stop nagging me about it." He forced himself to act nonchalant. "Anyways, so I'll stop in a visit to see him."

"Oh, okay," Al nodded.

Ed put his hand around the doorknob. "I'll see you later, okay?" And he walked out the door and down to Colonel's car. He could see the Colonel wasn't that ecstatic either, giving Ed an awkward wave. Ed slumped in his seat while putting his seat belt on.

It was quiet in the car for a while before Colonel started up the conversation. "So how much do you know about driving?"

Ed looked at him blankly and answered, unhelpfully, "I don't know."

"Okay, well then we'll start from the beginning. I'm going to drive, and you're going to tell me what the signs I'm supposed to use, like when to turn my turning signal on and stuff like that."

"Fine," Ed sighed. They sat there for a moment.

Colonel frowned. "Aren't you going to tell me what I'm supposed to do?"

Ed looked up confusedly. "Huh?"

"Well, how am I supposed to start the car?"

Ed looked at the car with a hateful gaze before muttering; "You put the key in the ignition."

Colonel tried not to smile as he frowned at Ed. "What was that? I couldn't quite hear you from all the way over there."

"You put. The key. In. The ignition." Already he had a headache.

"Oh. And how do I do that?"

Ed ripped the keys from Mustang's hands and dug them forcefully into the ignition and turned them. The engine caught and the car purred in response. Mustang smiled. "Now, should I just start driving off?"

"Sure."

"Nope! Did you not notice? I haven't checked my mirrors, and I don't even have my seatbelt on. How are you going to learn to drive like that?"

Already, Ed was at his wit's end. "Well then, put your seatbelt on! And check your mirrors."

Mustang nodded and put his seatbelt on. "I already checked my mirrors before you came in."

Ed growled. "Well fantastic for you! Can we go now?"

Mustang smiled. "I don't know, Fullmetal. Can we go now?" He mocked, trying to mirror Ed's voice.

"GO THEN!"

If it were possible, and even if it wasn't, it happened. Mustang started driving the car at the breakneck speed of 100 m/h with a mere ten seconds of driving. Ed was thrown against his seat and decided he was never going to forget the importance of seatbelts again. "SLOW DOWN!"

From 100 to 10 miles per hour is the strangest feeling in the world. Mustang shot a cocky grin over at a very dazed Ed in the passenger seat. "Is this slow enough?"

"Can we just stay this speed forever?" Ed muttered, deciding he was never taking driving lessons again with Mustang.

"You can get a ticket for being too slow, Fullmetal. Always be alert of the speed limit. And the speed limit is…"

Ed frowned and started checking passing signs. "40."

Mustang nodded. "40…?"

Ed tilted his head at him. "Was that a question?"

Mustang shook his head and looked forward determinedly and completely serious, stated, "40 flamethrowers."

Ed was tempted to throw himself out of the car right now as it still crawled at the speed of a slug. "40 miles per hour."

Mustang slowly crept up to that speed, which was erratic, considering had gone from 0-100 in just a few seconds. "Is it legal for me to learn to drive from you?"

"Eyes on the road, Fullmetal. There's a stoplight ahead. It's red. What should I do?"

"Stop," Ed stated as if it were the most obvious thing in the world.

Mustang stopped in the middle of the street even though the stoplight was a block away. Ed swore throughout homunculi, Scar, or whatever else he had faced, driving lessons taught by Mustang were by far the scariest things this world had to offer. "DRIVE!"

Mustang started driving, thank God, at 40 miles per hour and he drove up to the stoplight. "It's red. Am I supposed to slow down?"

"Yes, and stop before you run the red."

"Where?"

"Um…" Ed looked around and noticed the white line that everybody was stopping at. "Stop in front of the white line!"

Mustang nodded. "That might be the first rule you've gotten right on this trip. Yes, stop in front of the white line. Your front should not cross over the line." He hummed while he waited for the light to change.

Ed put his head in his hands. "How long is this driving lesson going to last?"

Mustang laughed evilly. "However long it takes. The light's green. What am I supposed to do?"

"Go up to 40 _miles an hour," _he exaggerated, giving pretty clear directions. He slumped against his seat.

Mustang sighed. "We're turning here. I'll give you the courtesy of doing this part myself." He turned off into the parking lot. "Okay, it's your turn now."

Ed looked at Mustang, his eyes suddenly wide. "You mean I'm actually going to drive?"

"In an enclosed space, yes. You leave the parking lot, and the lesson's over." Mustang got out and waited for Ed to follow suit.

Ed grinned evilly. This was going to be a lot of fun. It was payback time.

The next morning Mustang got to work a little later than usual. He wasn't focused and kept muttering to himself unmentionable things about a certain little alchemist. And God forbid anybody brought up the driving lessons yesterday. He would go on a full tangent about how he was NEVER going to let Ed drive EVER again. It looked like Ed was pretty much the winner of the bet. Falman had to pay up for originally going with Colonel, although he declared that he had changed the bet so that he was with Fullmetal. Conveniently, everybody forgot the switch.

And then they saw Ed.

The door slammed open and Ed's loud voice carried into the room. "I'm telling you, Al, I almost DIED! He STOPPED the car in the MIDDLE of the street!"

Al's worrying voice could be heard trying to soothe his brother's rant. "I'm sure he knew what he was doing. And why didn't you tell me he was going to give you a driving lesson?"

Ed ignored his brother and stomped into the room. "That damn Colonel!" he growled. His golden locks that were normally twisted into a braid stuck in loose clumps around his head.

Riza shot a look at Roy and hmphed. "You stopped in the middle of the street?"

Mustang shrugged and muttered something under his breath, completely oblivious to Ed. Ed didn't seem to mind too much. His golden eyes seemed slightly crazed. "I will get my REVENGE on him!"

"I'm sure it wasn't that bad, you're probably just making a bigger deal out of it than it really is," Al reasoned. "And look at what you did to his car!"

"You weren't there. He started taking off at 100 miles an hour, literately, when we started."

Riza's eyes glinted dangerously. "You did what?"

"And when we returned, it was the WORST! He did all sorts of crazy things while we drove!"

Mustang didn't argue, just waved his hands. "I had to get some payback for you completely destroying my car," he muttered quietly, although his voice was full of silent loathing.

"I did NOT destroy your CAR!" Ed yelled. "And you RAN a RED in front of a POLICE CAR. We got a TICKET! I'm LOSING my hair!"

"Brother, you are not-" Al objected.

Riza took a gun out and cocked it. "I didn't think it would turn to this, Roy." She pointed it at Mustang.

Ed immediately backed up, his eyes looking at the gun. "Riza…?"

"You could have told me the reason you needed me to drive you to work. You terrified Ed on his driving lesson and got a ticket. You called me at one in the morning, and I didn't get any sleep."

At this point, every one in the room was terrified, and the subject was officially changed from the wreck of a driving lesson. Roy laughed nervously. "I'm sorry, Hawkeye. I should have told you. But I promise you, if Ed ever drives, he's never going to forget his seatbelt."

Riza contemplated his defense and sighed but lowered her gun. "You better make it up to me."

"Yes sir!"

**How did you like it? Just a funny little one-shot.**


End file.
